You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
