It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I had to cum in my sink.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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