The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
