textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
