I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
