If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
