I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
