My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
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i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.