Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.