im drinking this country out of the recession.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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