my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Girls should come with a carfax report
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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