she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
