if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
