Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
