Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.

(310): View more from California

Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.

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(310): Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them. (310): Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light. http://tfl.nu/t4oe

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.

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(651): She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three. http://tfl.nu/b36h

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(609): So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife. http://tfl.nu/c5bq

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(865): Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store? http://tfl.nu/4sw9

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(732): View more from New Jersey

and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it

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(732): and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it http://tfl.nu/ub7i

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

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(507): Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins http://tfl.nu/hk0d

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(845): View more from New York

We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

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(845): We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey. http://tfl.nu/dkad

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(555): View more from

She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.

(555): View more from

Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.

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(555): She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome. (555): Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there. http://tfl.nu/h5mq

Replies (13) Good night (3305) Bad night (807)
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(416): View more from Toronto

I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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(416): I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight http://tfl.nu/k1ij

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you

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(484): come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you http://tfl.nu/95xm

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(956): View more from Texas

He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

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(956): He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type... http://tfl.nu/bma2

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(507): View more from Minnesota

we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine

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(507): we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine http://tfl.nu/vvgu

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(818): View more from California

Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.

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(818): Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree. http://tfl.nu/znv5

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(313): View more from Michigan

I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.

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(313): I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing. http://tfl.nu/76v7

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep

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(281): I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep http://tfl.nu/mi4b

Replies (4) Good night (511) Bad night (319)

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