You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void