I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
