Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
