one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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