textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
