Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
