I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
