I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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