i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
