can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
