Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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