My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
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Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
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Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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