I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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