I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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