i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
