I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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