don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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