Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I supernannyed him into submission
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
