I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
