2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
