Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i was born a porn star she said
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
