we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
