how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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