I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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