going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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