You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
