someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
