He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
