Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
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I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
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I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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