Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
