They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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