I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize