i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
