now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
