I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Houston, we have a squirter
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
