you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
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I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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