Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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