Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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