Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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