hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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