We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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