I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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