the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
