U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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